What is growth? Sometimes it seems that this should be something like climbing up. When you see, know, feel, and perceive more and more every day. As though you go from class to class and after turning back you see how much you have learnt. But when you look back, everything bursts as a soap bubble. So where did I climb to? I stamp somewhere, not knowing where, hammering the piles of achievements and failures and I call it growth. I stick my understanding of growth to my stereotype and wander around.
It is not easy to comprehend and admit to myself that growth is just a simple self-knowledge for me at this moment. Returning back to myself, to that real me, not created by the mind and shown to the surrounding people. But where am I? The relationship between thoughts, affairs, life, and masks has been lost. I do not know where the start and the end of true me, or installed programmes, or learnt and felt things are. Where the mind lies and where the subconscious lives. Everything is tangled inside. Feeling lost I grab my fitness mat and a blindfold. Quietly grumbling, a little bit forcing myself and knowing that it will be better I move to the meditation marathon.
It is not easy to comprehend and admit to myself that growth is just a simple self-knowledge for me at this moment. Returning back to myself, to that real me, not created by the mind and shown to the surrounding people. But where am I? The relationship between thoughts, affairs, life, and masks has been lost. I do not know where the start and the end of true me, or installed programmes, or learnt and felt things are. Where the mind lies and where the subconscious lives. Everything is tangled inside. Feeling lost I grab my fitness mat and a blindfold. Quietly grumbling, a little bit forcing myself and knowing that it will be better I move to the meditation marathon.
I enter the space full of uproar and people. Everyone is familiar and alien at the same time. Familiar and new faces around. I smile, say something and learn something as well as share something. I know that each one has come with different motives and at the same time I feel that everyone is a companion, we are all going in the same direction.
The bustle calms down, everyone breaks up and goes to find their mats. I listen what to do. Then cover my eyes with the blindfold since it is better to see myself in the dark.
Strange things these meditations are ...
Sometimes I run lifting my knees high. My body runs, but the treacherous mind keeps whispering louder and louder that I got tired.
-“You are hot, sweaty, tired already,“ – claims the brain, asking to run slower, not to lift the knees too high… I surrender for the moment and look around. Some are running faster, others are slower, faces are concentrated, someone is looking around with their searching gaze. I try to find somebody whose glance will remind me what I have come for. “ Keep silent,“ I snap out angrily to my brain and stat running more intensely, lifting my knees higher on purpose.
-“Yes, right,“ the mind starts to convince,“ You can, run, run ...“
-“ When will you get silent?“ The wave of lassitude floods and disappears, and overubs stronger again. It is the signal. I get stiff. I feel how sweat drops slowly flow down my body, the breathing is getting calm and the mind gets somehow silent ... with every slowening exhalation, everything inside quietens.
Sometimes I start talking the language that I do not understand. Then the mind tries to catch what I am talking about here. The words roll one after another, the sounds and intonation change, syllables substitute and unexpected consonants awaken some emotion inside. It suddenly starts to surge and I just watch. It shoots up, colouring the language, changing the tone, it is ready to run out, but ... I know it is not its time yet and let it slow down and purl back. And here comes another one, I hear how the words from the mouth are hissing. Another emotion produces a rough, sharp set of consonants. The sound of the signal, I stand up and try to add gestures and body language to the words. I awkwardly wobble with my hands, then linger and start hearing myself speak louder. Soon I notice that the body starts talking. Somehow the hands begin to tell some stories and the head approves by nodding. I keep hiding inside, “Talk, talk, won't interfere.“
One more meditation with the stage of emotional throw out which is accompanied by the emotional trail. Some are happy, others frown, everyone is concentrated. I breathe unevenly, louder and louder, help with all my body. I clutch my fingers and swing. Bit after bit I drag emotions up to the surface, I don't know what will get out, but already want to let it go. The signal. This one always associates to me with the sound of howling which becomes louder and louder merging with the noise of the surroundings and various sounds around that come from deep inside with suddenly ascending screams, tears, angry stamping and whinging. One stage changes the other, I cry, laugh, and angrily box the air. My emotion rise as turbid soap bubbles one after another and released burst outside. I hear the rising screams, tears of grief, cries of anger. This anger and noise around are so familiar, they are daily in my head – very well known, extremely familiar and so unexpected. I stand, my head is empty and silent. Around the circle there is a loud noise and I am just glad it is outside.
Chakra breathing is dizzy. I don't know where is my beginning and my end. Music accelerates and rhythmic breathing follows. The bell lifts me up and descends me, faster or slower. Feeling dizzy I just look for the track and the signs in the sound. I breathe and everything around breathes, shrinks and expands, tingles around in the threads. I let my feet go deeper in the ground. I fly and do not fly at the same time.
I take my blindfold from the eyes - everything is shining. It seems cleaner. Silence. My thoughts are calm and I feel elated.
Farewell smiles are different, everybody around have become closer and sweeter. Faces have changed.
I feel as if I was brushed. I quietly walk home along the dark streets, feeling my true self, my fullness.
The bustle calms down, everyone breaks up and goes to find their mats. I listen what to do. Then cover my eyes with the blindfold since it is better to see myself in the dark.
Strange things these meditations are ...
Sometimes I run lifting my knees high. My body runs, but the treacherous mind keeps whispering louder and louder that I got tired.
-“You are hot, sweaty, tired already,“ – claims the brain, asking to run slower, not to lift the knees too high… I surrender for the moment and look around. Some are running faster, others are slower, faces are concentrated, someone is looking around with their searching gaze. I try to find somebody whose glance will remind me what I have come for. “ Keep silent,“ I snap out angrily to my brain and stat running more intensely, lifting my knees higher on purpose.
-“Yes, right,“ the mind starts to convince,“ You can, run, run ...“
-“ When will you get silent?“ The wave of lassitude floods and disappears, and overubs stronger again. It is the signal. I get stiff. I feel how sweat drops slowly flow down my body, the breathing is getting calm and the mind gets somehow silent ... with every slowening exhalation, everything inside quietens.
Sometimes I start talking the language that I do not understand. Then the mind tries to catch what I am talking about here. The words roll one after another, the sounds and intonation change, syllables substitute and unexpected consonants awaken some emotion inside. It suddenly starts to surge and I just watch. It shoots up, colouring the language, changing the tone, it is ready to run out, but ... I know it is not its time yet and let it slow down and purl back. And here comes another one, I hear how the words from the mouth are hissing. Another emotion produces a rough, sharp set of consonants. The sound of the signal, I stand up and try to add gestures and body language to the words. I awkwardly wobble with my hands, then linger and start hearing myself speak louder. Soon I notice that the body starts talking. Somehow the hands begin to tell some stories and the head approves by nodding. I keep hiding inside, “Talk, talk, won't interfere.“
One more meditation with the stage of emotional throw out which is accompanied by the emotional trail. Some are happy, others frown, everyone is concentrated. I breathe unevenly, louder and louder, help with all my body. I clutch my fingers and swing. Bit after bit I drag emotions up to the surface, I don't know what will get out, but already want to let it go. The signal. This one always associates to me with the sound of howling which becomes louder and louder merging with the noise of the surroundings and various sounds around that come from deep inside with suddenly ascending screams, tears, angry stamping and whinging. One stage changes the other, I cry, laugh, and angrily box the air. My emotion rise as turbid soap bubbles one after another and released burst outside. I hear the rising screams, tears of grief, cries of anger. This anger and noise around are so familiar, they are daily in my head – very well known, extremely familiar and so unexpected. I stand, my head is empty and silent. Around the circle there is a loud noise and I am just glad it is outside.
Chakra breathing is dizzy. I don't know where is my beginning and my end. Music accelerates and rhythmic breathing follows. The bell lifts me up and descends me, faster or slower. Feeling dizzy I just look for the track and the signs in the sound. I breathe and everything around breathes, shrinks and expands, tingles around in the threads. I let my feet go deeper in the ground. I fly and do not fly at the same time.
I take my blindfold from the eyes - everything is shining. It seems cleaner. Silence. My thoughts are calm and I feel elated.
Farewell smiles are different, everybody around have become closer and sweeter. Faces have changed.
I feel as if I was brushed. I quietly walk home along the dark streets, feeling my true self, my fullness.
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