Based on true facts
Let‘s get acquainted. My name is Fear. And I‘ve been Fear for 35 years already.
All these years I’ve been afraid of:
Let‘s get acquainted. My name is Fear. And I‘ve been Fear for 35 years already.
All these years I’ve been afraid of:
- darkness. Since in my childhood my mother put on a terrible wig and showed up in my room late at night. Moreover, she decided to scare my brother and me for the second time when we were playing in the dark attic of our countryside house during Christmas time. Weird, but whose parents were perfect;
- daylight because I am very ugly and it is so obvious when everything is illuminated;
- going to work because I need to speak there, and I am afraid I can tell nonsenses;
- not going to work because then I won’t have money;
- not saying a single word during business meetings, because people would think that I am stupid. At these moments I tend to say something unimportant though I feel ashamed, but remain sitting quietly and continue to fear.
- driving because I can’t drive as well as an F-1 pilot and people can laugh at me;
- singing because someone once told me that my voice sounds weird;
- dancing! Well, to be honest I can dance, but only when I am pretty drunk;
- travelling alone. And what happened
- going alone to a restaurant/art exhibition/interesting lecture;
- I am afraid of everything. When sit safely in my bed, I am terrified of the thought that I may die here and nobody will find me for the next few weeks.
To tell the truth, nobody never knew why and what I am afraid of. Not even me. A few therapists have already given up and admitted that maybe life was not for everyone.
But I had one very efficient way to hide myself from my Fear. Despite the fact that I was afraid to go there, I used to hide myself in the office bunker. Usually I would wake up at 3-4 in the morning and leave for work. Stress was my alarm clock at that time. When I finished my work the arrows of the clock showed 8-9 p.m. and I started to drag my body back home. My head rolled somehow by itself. I was quite cool at the office because I managed to earn the biggest monthly revenues for the company. So it was a good way for me to forget about my Fear.
I must admit that everything was not so bad. I mean it was a catastrophe, but only in my imagination. In my real life everything was going well and I could complain only about the cage that I had constructed for my body and mind; had put a very good lock and swallowed the key. The key had been made from a specific metal that caused contraindications – constipation. So I had to wait a bit for the key to come out.
While I was waiting for that key, I don’t know how or when, or who was the sender of the newsletter that I got which informed about the seminar on Cosmic energies. Believe me or not, but I managed to kill my Fear, get into the car and drove to the meeting point.
There was a heavy snowfall that dark evening. When Ms. GPS said I had reached my destination, a narrow, cleared from the snow path appeared on the side I needed to turn into. So, I turned to that road and parked my car. That moment I felt very happy. I managed to arrive, find the place and even to park. But then the guard of the place ran out of the building shouting that I had parked on a sidewalk. He said that I had to leave immediately and not to use the same pedestrian sidewalk for returning to the main road. It was a Big Bang. I was so ashamed.
When I managed to find the right place to park my car, I allowed myself to cry a bit. After that process I decided that it was not enough. I have to go. When I was inside of the building, I looked at the guard, proudly once again apologized for my miserable mistake and said that I appreciated his help a lot. Then I couldn’t find the auditorium and had to return to the same guard’s office.
Needless to say I was already a bit late to the lecture. A little woman was speaking and she didn’t look very satisfied with me being late and making a “preparation for the lecture” noise. And then someone ran towards me and pulled my coat belt. My friend. The best one. She was also here. Oh, hi.
And from that moment my trip to the Milky Way began. That little woman was Ingrida. She spoke, but I didn’t understand anything, I just heard that she was organizing something in Karelia. Hell yeah, my colleague was there. Nice pictures she had made. Maybe it’s a good idea to go to that excursion.
Later I came back home to have a rest from that horrible shame that I had had that day and took a book to read. The book was about the Wizards of Lithuania. The book fell down out of my hands and my eyes were about to leave their orbits when I started to read about the workshops in Karelia. There was an interview with the same little woman which I saw that evening.
The next day my Bestie said she had decided to go to that excursion. A week later I joined her and promised to make a heap of sandwiches for the trip. I was glad about my decision and thought it was a good idea for my summer holidays. At least I had someone to travel with. Very pragmatic.
When I arrived to the second meeting, I not only managed to park appropriately, but even understood way more words that Ingrida was saying that time. I also understood that the sound of shamanic drum she was beating made the black little pieces of contaminated coal fall out of my soul. My body was very easy when I returned home. The earth could be shaking beneath my feet, and thousands of wolves could howl, I didn’t care. Can you imagine? I didn’t care! I even didn’t care that my nose was long. That was so promising.
The preparation for Karelia was simple. My Bestie did everything. As I promised I made nice sandwiches, but it took a bit too long for me and I was late to the bus. The driver yelled that he wouldn’t wait, but he did. He did it because someone from above gave him the order to wait for that dummy because she indeed needed to get to Karelia.
When I was already on the bus and my Bestie told me how long the travel would take, I almost had a heart attack and I was about to leave the bus. There was a huge red word error in my eyes, but again someone from above recharged my hard disc and the trip continued.
Red Tail and Fairy of the Woods approached when we were at the bus station in Ryga. They talked to us Lithuanian and we understood that the destination for all of us was the same.
It seemed a bit challenging for me and my Bestie to change the bus to the train in Saint Petersburg, but Red Tail and Fairy of the Woods were well prepared and helped us to do that. That was how they earned our trust and we were very happy to share the train cabin with both of them.
The train kept going. We spent on the train about 20 hours trying to sleep, talk, read, even to sing. Through the window nature was changing more and more, experiencing the phenomena of White Nights made me feel like going to Nowhere. And there, in Nowhere, she was waiting for me. Twice bigger – my soulmate Fear. And there was no place to hide form her – the phone for hours and hours showed “No service”, the office bunker was so far away. Just me and my Fear.
Chupa train station. Karelia met us with unplanned document check and local inhabitants who showed us that all these crazy videos about Russia on Youtube were very close to the truth.
I felt a relief when we got the permission to hop on the local taxi and move forward. We were driving for a couple of hours off road. Locals said it was a road. Oh well. Finally, we reached the Miracle named Nilmoguba. A little village in the woods where some local Spirits met us in the nicest way. Their chief, Uncle Misha, asked us to take our seats and before the most generous breakfast was served, gave us three lessons: if you meet a bear “run” as slow as you can facing the bear; if you see a snake, don’t touch her (it); don’t go alone out of the territory of the village, the next village, in terms of time, is a week away. But do you know what was the most amazing? Their attitude to the work the Spirits had. They were doing their work without bothering you. Earlier than you they knew that the upcoming day you would need the central heating on, before going to bed they left some pastries and nice drinks for you in case if you get hungry at night, and many more that our eyes couldn’t notice. It looked like if you have a nightmare at night and started screaming, one of those Spirits would approach immediately and touch your hair while singing a lullaby. It was so far away from the experience I had in one Turkish hotel where during my meal the Manager Sweetie came and asked if I was satisfied and happy.
Then after a big breakfast just before going to our houses I was shocked by the fact that I hadn’t got the key. It was not common to lock houses here. Of course, I explained them my rights and really emotionally told how seriously I was afraid of the darkness, but the Spirits with such patience and devotion claimed that at that time of the year it never got dark. Oh well, White Nights… And then I swore to myself that I would never ever tell to anyone that I had brought the torch with me.
Our room faced the White Sea that looked more like a White Lake. I meditated looking at that peaceful water just before falling asleep. I woke up in two hours, I guess, and survived one more horror movie. The Sea-Lake was gone. I ran to the Management and reported what had just happened. The Management told me everything was fine. This happened twice every twenty-four hours and it was called low tide and high tide. Oh hello to one more First Time.
Later we were briefly explained the rules and schedule of our “work” and the new morning I was already dancing a yoga dance. And then we were eating, and then we were walking, and then working, then eating again, then studying, laughing and finally going to sauna. Again and again. Not always I was successful in practicing. Not always I saw what I had to see, not always I felt what I had to feel, not always I was right. I guess, the darkest hour was during the emotion release practice when someone from above turned off the button “how I would look”. And then all the anger, grief, disappointment, dissatisfaction and Fear that I had been hiding inside for years went out of me with such a power that in the end I could barely stand on my feet. I will remember this moment until the end of my life because the next day I was born for the second time.
Hello, my name is Akvilė. I look at this wonderful life through the eyes of a child. Everything seems to be different because I understand some things:
- everything is not just black&white;
- the sun doesn’t rise in the East and sets in the West. It doesn’t set at all in some places. There’s no day and night, only your feelings matter. You go to sleep and wake up when your body wants;
- the sea is here, the sea is not here, the sea is here, the sea is not here. And that’s not a big deal;
- there’s no need to understand everything;
- fears are a person’s cage which one built for himself and only he can destroy that cage;
- everything that is done with Love, not Fear, will succeed;
- if not, it’s for the better;
- I can do more than I usually do;
- half of my life I lived in Fear, I want to try the next half to live in Courage;
- everything I need to blossom lies in me.
On my way home there was 20 kg of stones in my backpack: white and rose pieces of quartz and a huge magic rock. When all the team jumped onto the train and people in our cabin fell asleep I cried. I cried so hard because all children cry when they say goodbye to the Family. Yes, all these people that I had met in the Miracle called Nilmoguba and Nilmoguba itself became one more Family to me. Family that saw how I was born for the second time. That Family didn’t have chiefs or bosses, you didn’t have to call anyone Teacher and you didn’t have to bow when entering the class. In that Family we had a lot of Joy and Sharing. Sharing that made me born again.
When I came back home I felt calmness inside. After two days I went back to work. The marathon started again. I forgot Karelia very quickly. Stress took its place. But these stones, that little Karelia in Mindaugas street, did their job properly. Why? When I got a very risky and unclear proposal that sounded horrible to all my family, I said YES. Why once again? Because I wanted, because I knew it had to be like this, because I believed I could, because I felt nothing bad would happen. And I said YES.
Now I live in one of the most dangerous cities in the world, in the most Northern part of Mexico. I’m studying Thai massage here. It’s the thing that I was thinking of in Karelia. Also, here I do what I like the most – I write. When I was writing this piece of memory, on my left side the Pacific was roaring with all its power, on the right side my old Lithuanian Chihuahua was snoring and my beloved Zapoteco was packing our luggage. Semana Santa starts tomorrow and we are going to the beach. A lot of people tell me I live in Heaven, but only a few can understand that not everything is both at the same time simple and beautiful here. I nod my head and peacefully wish they understood that Heaven is not a place. It’s You. Believe in Yourself and blossom, my Fiend.